It felt good getting up a couple hours early and getting the adrenaline flowing again. Shit, the feast we had yesterday was enough to make a hippo keel over and pass out. I figure some of my New Year’s resolutions needed to come sooner than later, so I went and hit the gym for real today.

It was deserted, as I expected. Everybody was probably at home sleeping off the turkey and stuffing they ate at all the Christmas dinners yesterday. That would have been me, except I felt exceptionally excited to start getting back in shape NOW.

I felt a little sheepish as I went through the lobby entrance, my fat ass making its way to the weights and treadmill. The employees were all perfect specimens of muscle and symmetry, with not an ounce of fat to their name.

Soon, I’ll be joining those ranks. I’m giving myself a six-month timeline. The first half will be building up muscle with creatine and glutamine supplements, and the second half will be the “chiseling” phase (which happens to be a bitch). From today forward, my diet will be strictly regulated. Nothing ruins all that hard work faster than shitty nutrition.

You know what made me feel better, though? There were two bitches in there with me, following a personal trainer through their new exercise routine.

I was there. I felt their pain. They weren’t in shape by any means, but they had the same mentality I had: better today than tomorrow. I had respect for those bitches as the trainer explained how free weights will help them get stronger and give them a more appealing, defined muscle image.

You know what? Even though they weren’t the hottest bitches on the block, I had more respect for them than any other bitch on the street getting fat and not taking good care of themselves.

Ladies, do you know why you don’t have a boyfriend? Do you really know why all those so-called “slut-bags” get all the good-looking and wonderful men?

I get so sick of fat, disgusting bitches complaining to one another that such-and-such doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, or that she deserves so much better. Let me make this simple: no she doesn’t, if only because she doesn’t do something to get whatever it is you’re talking about.

The nice thing about relationships is you can always walk away. Either work to get what you want, either by bettering yourself or your situation, or accept what you have. There’s no magic to it; you get what you position yourself to get. It’s just that simple. No room for complaining.

This is my belief system, and there’s no blurry lines about it. Pretty cut ‘n dried to me.

So, bitches, here’s my advice on what you must do to get off your fat, lazy asses and do something about yourself:

1) Hit the gym. Seriously. Get yourself in shape, watch your diet, feel good about yourself, and take active measures to keep staying active and healthy for the rest of your life. If you’re overweight, you need to lose the fat. There’s no way around it. That said, bulemia is not attractive, either. There’s ladies-only gyms sprouting like weeds across the nation, so GO. This is rule number one. A proportional, fit body is something to be proud of, and men will notice. Once you start to see results from your exercise regimen, go ahead and hit the coed gym and ask for a spot. Roughly 43 hot guys will leap out at and want to give you a hand. (NOTE: 63% of American women are overweight or obese. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.)

2) Learn basic fashion/make-up techniques. Minimalist is most often best. Don’t ask me what foundation or mascara do, cause I don’t know fuck-diddly about that shit. Want a clue? Get dirt-cheap subscriptions to Maxim, Vogue, and Cosmo from Best Deal Magazines. You don’t need to look like Gisele, Adriana, or Tyra, but at least look presentable, for fuck’s sake! (Janet Reno is a not an acceptable role model, by the way. She’s a man, if you haven’t noticed).

3) Do not compare your life to Sex and the City. No. It makes you look pathetic. What four manic-depressive slut-bags discover about themselves in a masochistic neo-phallic oppressive male-driven societyblah blah blah… Who cares. You’re an average woman , welcome to your real life. Want to get laid? How about turning off the television and stop feeding yourself the lies that the media overlords want you to believe. You think men look at $900 Prada handbags? Hell no. They’re looking at your funbags, instead. You’ll never be able to afford their clothes, so work with what you’ve got from Express, Gap, and Abercrombie. Don’t treat every guy as the season finale. He’s a guy, for fuck’s sake, not a plot device. No matter what you may think, it doesn’t make you any more interesting by creating drama in his life and seeing how your life compares to Carrie. Define your life by something else other than a cartoon for grown women and there’s a much better chance a decent guy will show interest in you.

4) Stop smoking. I don’t care. It’s disgusting, unappealing to 90% of men across the country, unhealthy, and dangerous. Yellow teeth weren’t even fashionable when George Washington was around (as far as I know, he was the original custom-grill masta). Please don’t give me that “I only smoke when I drink” bullshit, because we all know you drink 5 times a week.

5) Fix your teeth. The advancements in orthodontics and cosmetic dentistry these days are phenomenal. You can get clear mouth-guard retainers for reasonable prices. Remember that a great smile will last you forever, so consider it a small investment for such a long-term payoff. You’d be amazed at how far you can come in a short time, snaggletooth.

6) Get yourself some self esteem. Confidence is knowing you’re eventually going to look like a dumbass and not caring. Be able to laugh at yourself (and others). Don’t let your insecurities take over your life. Take care of your emotional and psychological problems, otherwise a selfish guy will see that and take advantage of you for his own purposes. Get your head on straight, lose the emotional baggage, and present yourself as mentally/physically/emotionally healthy, and you’ll definitely be seeing some decent guys.

7) Learn to speak well. Please. The words “like” and “omigod” SHOULD NOT BE EVERY OTHER WORD ESCAPING YOUR TRAP.

8) Stay up on current events. That means shutting off Days and picking up a news magazine or (gasp!) a newspaper. I’ve seriously gotten up and walked out of conversations with illiterate, ill-informed bitches (”weapons of ass reduction?").

9) Be more fun. Seriously. Honestly ask yourself, “Am I fun to hang out with?” Do not ask your friends, because they’ll just lie through their teeth. Do guys congregate you? Do you easily meet strangers at bars or other venues? I’ve met lots of girls who were not all that physically attractive but got great guys because they were a lot of fun. They are some of my closest friends and best buddies. They’re relaxed, fun, and entertaining. Ask yourself: do you contribute to a social situation, or do you detract from it? Do you bring something to the table, or do you take something off?

If you take something off, fear not. The world will still keep spinning. You know how I learned to be the life of the party? By watching and imitating those that were. This does not mean you should become me (ha! The world can only handle one Dick.), it means you should, within the limits of your personality, loosen up and be someone that is fun to be with. At the very least, stop being so damn self-conscious. You can get away with a lot of shit with a little confidence.

It’s so important, it bears repetition: You get what you position yourself to get.

You don’t have to believe or accept what I write. You can sit there and bitch about wanting to find a man who “accepts you for who you are". If you do, have fun living alone in a big house with lots of cats, watching Friends re-runs while you finish off entire bags Oreos.

And you wonder why I use the word “bitches” so much.

Bitches.

By Robert Shagwell | Dec 26, 2004 | Permalink |