The music was playing, the hot tub was bubbling, the tequila was flowing, and hotties were coming in by the truckloads. These are the perfect ingredients for a perfect house party, and guess who was working the floor last night?

That’s right. The Dick.

Out on the prowl, with invisible feelers testing the waters with all the ladies; a highly complex and sensitive operation flawlessly running on autopilot. It doesn’t even take any brainpower; it’s automatic. A little flirt there, a well-timed pun here, a touch on the arm there; I must be a magician. With a sneaky little fucking grin.

I jump in the hot tub with these hot little dark-haired twins. They’re sporting some very nice bras from Victoria’s Secret and some even classier little numbers below. They’re just too hot to be true, and they’re sitting here near naked in the hot tub with me, one in each arm. Like a fiery sunrise preluding a hot day, it dawns on me that it’s going to be a very good night.

Jose was making sure everyone was having fun with body shots. Nose-job Becky was over, and it didn’t take long before I was slowly licking the salt off the nape of her neck and licking her lips to get to the lime she was delightfully hiding from me in her mouth.

Sigh. Tequila is a beautiful thing.

We start playing some card games on the kitchen counter, and I make my way around to this hot little bod named Cassie. She’s got perfect hair, a perfect body, and a perfect face. Like a specimen from The Hefner’s mansion. And she’s smiling at me.

Like a quietly composed Napoleon Dynamite would say at the competition: “Yesssssssss.”

I start doing my thing. I give her a quick comeback after one of her jokes, slightly insulting to let her know I’m not gonna treat her like a princess right off the bat like every other dude out there does. It piques her interest, and I continue to appear apathied and indifferent to the whole thing. She turns her posture towards me and uncrosses her legs. She twirls a stray strand of hair from her beautiful face.

Yup. Hooked.

The game continues, and I place my hand on her knee when we share a laugh. She gives me a fleeting glance, unconsciously biting her bottom lip. God, how I love that.

She’s laughing at all my jokes, she’s making plenty of eye contact, she’s showing both sets of teeth when she smiles, and her body posture is imitating mine. She’s touching my arm at a slowly increasing rate. Her hand finds her way to my thigh a little later. I’m in like Flynn.

The door knocks, and guess who shows up at the front door? That’s right. The Ex and another boy-toy, after I specifically told her not to come near here. She threatens to call the police on a faux noise complaint if she’s not let in, and so we oblige. She looks specifically for me, and quickly sees my nice little situation with Cassie. I hadn’t even got up. I just took Cassie in my arms and started kissing her behind the ears and neck, which sent The Ex CAREENING out the back door into the back yard. She was so pissed her reddened face was venting steam in the cold night air.

But you can be sure I didn’t give a fuck. I told her ass to stay away, and what does she do? She can’t help but to start becoming obsessive over me, and the fact that she finally saw me flirting seriously with another girl sent her over the edge.

Her first instinct was to try and find some guy to get on and make out with in front of me. I had already had this coldly calculated beforehand and made sure every guy there shot her down like a limp duck. It was like pinball; she’d bounce from guy to guy, trying to get anyone to get them to make out with her. And nobody was giving a shit. They gave her the cold shoulder, the million-mile stare, and the are-you-fucking-kidding-me looks left and right. Cassie and I just laughed as she bounced to and fro to every last guy in the house.

I take up and leave with Cassie, abandoning the sorry sight of my obsessively dependent Ex. It hasn’t even been two weeks and already she’s starting to act desperate. It’s a sorry sight.

So I’m in the car with Cassie, and she’s rubbing my legs and snaking her fingers slyly along my shirt and neck. The car can’t seem to go fast enough. She breaks into an awful fit of coughing, and I’m turned off a little. “Are you OK?”

“Oh. It’s just that I’m still recovering from the bronchitis I got last week.”

“You mean… So you’re… You’re highly contagious, aren’t you?”

“Well, yea. A little bit. OK, actually a lot. I don’t think I should be kissing you.”

“If that’s what you think is best, then I’m down. Is this your house?”

We pull into her driveway, and it’s a nice gated house.

“You must be an heiress. Your house is beautiful!”

“It’s not mine. I’m living with my parents right now. You’re gonna have to be real quiet.”

The record skips then slowly dies down.

What. The. Fuck. This girl is easily mid-twenties. She must have had either a severe case of bronchitis, or a severe case of personality problems.

I can deal with the former. “I’m down for a little sneakiness tonight,” I grin.

The front door is surprisingly noiseless. We sneak past the master bedroom, down the hallway, down the stairs and into the lower level. My hands can’t help themselves to her rounded ass and her sexy thighs. If I get caught, I’m gonna be caught red-fucking-handed tonight.

She locks the door behind her and flips off the light. She undoes my belt, tosses my pants in the corner, and rips my shirt off like a sexy animal. She wants me. I’m naked, and she pushes me onto the bed, pouncing on me like a tiger. With huge tits.

She’s kissing me up and down my chest and neck, carefully avoiding my face. Her hands are starting to do some amazing things. She’s solidly rubbing my stomach, and I can feel her warm hands send wonderful sensations on my belly.

Then I feel a gurgle down there. Whoa. And not a good gurgle, either. Shit, the chicken quesadillas I had earlier are not agreeing with Jose inside, and it feels like I’m probably gonna have to–

Shit.

“What’s wrong, baby? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

My face is pale like daffodils. “I think I just ate one and he just stuck his head out the other end.”

I take off down the hallway naked with my hand halfway up my ass, fighting the incoming rectal onslaught.

The diarrhea doesn’t stop.

Yup, I somehow fuck it up. What happened to in like Flynn? She knocks on the door, checking up on me every so often, but she finally goes to bed when I refuse to come back out. I pass out in the tub.

* * *

I cautiously peek my head out the door the next morning. I’ve gotta make a clean getaway.

“Why– hello there!”

Her mom is fucking ironing shirts right outside my bathroom door.

“Mom! I want you to meet Robert! He spent the night last night.”

“Hi Robert, nice to meet you! Why don’t you come on out and say hi to the rest of the family?”

I’m fucking naked, bitch. Touch me and I’ll probably shit all over those shirts.

“Cassie, could I uh… borrow a towel or something?”

“Oh no, you didn’t get anything on the–”

“–NO! I mean no, of course not. I just need my, uh, clothes.”

Mother looks at me with a glance more frigid than a polar bear’s toenails.

Will this endless humiliation never end?

Needless to say, I make my walk of shame past Cassie’s mother, upstairs past the kitchen where I’m sheepishly introduced to her father and brother and sister before I finally get outside to my car and speed off like a lunatic.

I’m don’t think I can ever call her again.

By Robert Shagwell | Jan 9, 2005 | Permalink |