This was one of those times. There was just a mess everywhere. There was semen on the carriage seat, on the floorboards, and some on the side pillars. I didn’t even know I had it in me. Well, I did, because your man Dick Shagwell’s left nut alone weighs like 45 pounds.
She’s cleaning up. Well, cleaning up the best she can, anyway. I help her get some of the protein off her hair with the canvas of the carriage top when I suddenly hear footsteps. Two pairs. And they’re coming in our direction. She shoots me a glance full of horror, and I duck the fuck down. I’ll rather get goat-fucked than get caught now.
The footsteps get even closer. They’re almost on us by this point, and whoever they are haven’t said a word. I just hope to God a stray drop of ejaculate doesn’t drop from the ceiling onto their heads and give us away like it always happens in the movies (well, the “films” I watch, anyway). I run a quick mind-check of all our belongings, and hope that our shoes aren’t on the ground out there.
“Excuse me, folks. It’s OK to come out now.”
My turn to shoot a glance of horror back at her.
“Sir, please step out of the carriage. Is the lady decent, because she needs to step out too.”
Go ahead and cue goat sex, please.
How did they know? We step out sheepishly, her hair is a mess, and our clothes are thrown on half-assedly. I help her step down, and we turn and face our Sheriffs of Shame. Two security guards in khakis and sport coats are standing there, and it looks like they’re trying to be serious, even though the curling of the lips on the side of their mouths are giving them away.
“Please, come with us. We’d hate to have to cause a scene, so please follow us into the park offices so we may take the appropriate action and sort this all out.”
Great. Our walk of shame was not that bad, actually. Besides a small cum stain on her shirt and her hair, we looked like your typical amusement park couple in love. The security guards are walking ahead of us, and they’re whispering together. They’re both stifling laughter, and they sneak a peak back at us once in a while.
We walk across the park and arrive at the central park offices. The building looks vaguely like a concrete compound where secret experiments are performed on alien beings. We’re escorted inside to the superintendent’s voluptuous corner office. Inside, sitting at his desk, is the superintendent of the park: a largish early-fifties thumb of a man, clearly of military background.
“Have a seat, folks.” We sit down on the two plush leather chairs in front of the lustrous oak desk. “That’ll be all, Frank and Hugh. If you could bring me the tape on the way back, I’d appreciate it.” The tape? “Well, well, well. How are you star-crossed lovers doing today? My name is [name withheld, but we’ll call him “Hardy McPrick"], and I’m the superintendent and chief general manager of Lagoon Park.
“Let me tell you folks a little bit about this park.” He clears his throat extravagantly. “With a history that dates back to 1886, Lagoon Park has proven to be a highly popular recreational spot for residents of the Salt Lake area in Utah. We accomodate over 1 million visitors each season, and we employ 3,000 people, 200 of which are year-round such as myself. In recent times, and with a changing moral climate, we’ve had to compensate – and prepare for – “special occasions” that inevitably come into play. Such as your little sex romp on one of the carriages in Pioneer Village a few minutes ago. Our company cannot afford any litigation or law enforcement snags, so we inevitably like to settle any…"mishaps” behind closed doors.
“As you might now be aware, Lagoon Park maintains diligent security over the park 24 hours a day. We have over three hundred high-resolution video surveillance cameras, most of which include audio monitoring equipment, and our state-of-the-art central control room is configured for viewing and controlling multiple cameras effortlessly.” He turns in his chair, and starts a smirk. “Simultaneously, we have security personnel stationed throughout the park – both uniformed and undercover – so nothing, and I do mean nothing, goes unnoticed.”
He looks back at us, his hands folded neatly in front of him. “This is not the first time we’ve had couples fornicating on company property. In fact, it might come as no surprise to you that the same carriage you folks…"procreated” in now has a track record of 17 separate lewd sexual encounters. Apparently that carriage holds a special allure to many park-goers itching for a little extra excitement apparently not found in any of our rides. Do you know how expensive it gets to reupholster a vintage horse-drawn carriage with authentic-looking interiors each time? We stopped doing it four years ago.” I look over to my girl, and she returns the glance with the realization that her hair might not just contain my own semen.
A rap on the door. The two same security guards step back in the room, and the shorter, bulkier of the two opens a cabinet and places a tape into the integrated television set. They smile and nod, and the next thing you know, they’re back out the door. With nary a word to say.
“We had to install an extra surveillance camera next to the carriages to make sure we are keeping people accountable. To be honest, it is one of the more prominently displayed cameras in the park, and I cannot believe that every single time this has happened, people just like yourselves fail to look directly over and notice the large camera pointed in your faces.” My head drops slightly. I’m looking pretty sheepish right about now, and I’m looking directly down. I’m a fucking dumbass.
“We would rather not get law inforcement involved if we don’t have to, which is why I’m going to be real with you, if you don’t mind.” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. He pulls out a remote control from his drawer and begins playback of the tape. His stance relaxes. “Listen, folks, I know what it’s like for you two. Itchin’ to fuck like rabbits every four seconds. Especially when you have a young woman as beautiful and as…"adept” as your lady friend here. I don’t mind gettin’ my dick wet on those rare occasions when I can actually get it to stay up, too, but you have to at least be smart about it.” The video is zooming in on my naked ass wailing away into my girl from behind, pulling a clutchful of her hair. Her cheek is squishing against the seat, and her face is contorted into a mixture of pure lust and open-mouthed grimaces. I can hear the moaning loud and clear on the TV, and I slap my forehead with embarassment.
“My God, I’ve never seen two people fuck like you. I have to say, it was incredible. Our security system has caught everything from teenagers giving half-assed handjobs to full-on animal fucking like you two. I kid you not when I say you had a crowd of about 25 or 30 employees and security personnel spectating the show – live.” I look over to my girl, and her jaw is dropped to the floor in bewilderment. “In fact, there was quite the cheering when you both climaxed.”
Jesus. H. Christ.
If a black man ever blushed, it would have been right then. My girl’s dumbfounded face was bright red, and I could tell she wanted to wither up right there and die.
“We’re not getting the authorities involved. We’re not going to litigate or press charges. We’re going to let you off easy, actually. As far as we’re concerned, this never happened. Do you understand me?”
I look to the sex tape, then back to him, and I manage a barely audible “yes, [Mr. McPrick].”
“But as with any deal, you can’t get something for nothing. In return for our generosity, we will keep the tape for…further investigation.” She flares her nostrils and almost pipes up, but I put my finger on her lips and give her a “just let it be” look. At this point, I’m not going to oppose the man. I’ve already got enough trouble on my hands, and I don’t want to have this escalate out of control.
He buzzes the secretary, and pretty soon we’re being escorted out of the park with complimentary ice cream cones. Just like that, we left the park, minus any handcuffs or lawsuits.
Needless to say, it was a long, quiet ride back to the hotel. We had a falling-out after the ordeal, and I don’t think to this day that girl I was with then will ever live with the fact that there’s a sex tape of her circulating around the offices of Lagoon (and who-knows-where else).
Me? I personally don’t mind. I’ve starred in quite a few “feature films” when I was a young buck in college. This is just another notch in my already heterogeneous, motley filmography, as far as I’m concerned. As for the park? I have not –and will not – ever go back to Lagoon Park again.
Although I would love to see their video archives.
By Robert Shagwell | Jul 21, 2005 | Permalink |
